And Now Folks...


What is anxiety?


Well…and bear with me…Wow I feel like I use that phrase a lot…It is that dark shadowy self that will yell and whisper and grab you with the question, “What if?”
            “What if by looking at flights you bought one and now you are going to Florence, Italy against your will? What if that bump is cancer? What if that friend of yours hates you? What if you are not worth life? These spiral about until your heart start thumping so hard that you think it is going to explode and your whole body seizes with panic.
            I have lost friends because of the fact that when it gets this bad I reach out to ANYONE who will tell me, convince me, or lie to me that it is going to be OKAY. This leads to five texts in a row of “hi’s” and “I need you’s” that would probably freak out any other person that did not have a front row seat to what was actually happening. This further freaks people, like me, who might already be in a spiral of crazy out. When at that point I do not get someone there and willing to be there, I freak out even more because I feel like I am losing EVERYONE. The sheer weight of raw panic has already stripped away our censors and usual safe guards so like being in a state of drunkenness we might not be in control of our actions.
            This is not meant as an excuse for five-dozen texts or calls or anything else that might occur during one of these anxiety attacks. It is more a glimpse into the crazy that seems completely sane at the time. The highest and worst part of an anxiety attack has sent me wrapping myself in a towel shaking and crying uncontrollably because this shit that is happening without my control is SCARY. Then like the world’s worst roller coaster it slows down and start dripping away leaving a shivering exhausted person. Usually I am too tired and out of it to do anything by that point for at least an hour. Then I have to pick up the pieces and say my apologies and hope to god that the next one does not come.

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