Stumbling Towards Caffeine

Well here we are. Did not bet on re-entry to the blog world because rights are slowly dismantled. I have always chosen to believe that there is always balance. In the darkness, there are always bits of light and vice versa. More complicated these days I will admit. So. Here we are. All feelings are valid. So…left is figuring out the next steps. As of today…we are here. I am no spokesperson by any means or have any deep insight. I am not so wisdomous these days it seems. So instead I have strange stories and strange humor. For today, here are some pinpricks of light in the darkness. Not sure how long this will last so let’s get to it. Song of the Day: “Easy Silence” The Chicks Resource of the day: Death Doula Network: wearedopo.com Artwork of the day:    

Pride and Being Bisexual I came out to myself when I was thirteen years old. My first girlfriend was the most intense, difficult, and amazing learning experience I have ever had. I was lucky. My parents accepted it. My family accepted it. My High School was open and had an LGBT club. I was able to have amazing experiences while being proud and visible with the people I loved.             Looking back now I took it for granted.   I was never bullied for being bisexual. I never lived in fear. I never feared enough to stay in the closet. There are so many people, There were so many people. When I was older my mom told me that when I told her all she could think was about Matthew Sheppard. This boy that was killed because such intense fear that it turned into hate. Now Orlando. That morning I looked at my phone. I pulled out my rainbow flag. I put it on my door. I cried. I yelled. How so much hate could turn into somethi...

I will pre-empt this by saying I have grieved over Bowie. Over Prince. Over countless people who made positive imprints on the world. Over cousins and aunts and uncles and in that moment, all death seems blindingly visible. There is death. Death feels like it can take and steal. Death is most visible when someone famous or noteworthy dies. People flock. People spend weeks lamenting over a figure that represented something or the World thought was important. But death also is invisible. Death takes the aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends. Invisible death hurts. Invisible death is personal and lasts. Death happens every day. My mother says it seems there are a lot of people dying lately because they were visible. Because they were admired by the public. Invisible death is also there. Every day. Every second. Invisible death sometimes can be the most visible to people around it. One thing is the same. Death exists. Everything and everyone die...

There are days when I want to hug the hurt and stop the screaming of the scared and whisper over and over and over again that it is going to be okay you will be okay and things are just really bad right now and you will be wrecked and fall apart and wish some days that you would never wake up but it is going to be okay and one day you will not only be stronger but wiser as you take this sorrow take this grief take this anger take this pain and learn from the feeling of supreme chaos the creation you make from it that wows the world and stops them in their path with its supreme beauty and healing.

Today of all days is a day of grief. This week has been a week of supreme grief and closure. What is grief though? Is grief the loss that drives to sadness and depression? Or is grief something else? Grief has been a prevalent force in my life since before I was born. I was named after a dead person. The reason I am still alive is because a dead person. Hell, the reason I am in College is because a dead person. I was in a car accident in April. For more than a month after I grieved over the loss of self and loss of friendship to the person who was driving. I would find myself crying and it took a while to recover. Today seven months later I closed the last chapter of the ensuing loss of friendship and finally gained closure over what happened. This feeling comes after grief. Grief. Grief kept me alive and nearly tore me apart.

What is anxiety? Well…and bear with me…Wow I feel like I use that phrase a lot…It is that dark shadowy self that will yell and whisper and grab you with the question, “What if?”             “What if by looking at flights you bought one and now you are going to Florence, Italy against your will? What if that bump is cancer? What if that friend of yours hates you? What if you are not worth life? These spiral about until your heart start thumping so hard that you think it is going to explode and your whole body seizes with panic.             I have lost friends because of the fact that when it gets this bad I reach out to ANYONE who will tell me, convince me, or lie to me that it is going to be OKAY. This leads to five texts in a row of “hi’s” and “I need you’s” that would probably freak out any other person that did not have a front row seat to what...