Stumbling Towards Caffeine

There are days when I want to hug the hurt and stop the screaming of the scared and whisper over and over and over again that it is going to be okay you will be okay and things are just really bad right now and you will be wrecked and fall apart and wish some days that you would never wake up but it is going to be okay and one day you will not only be stronger but wiser as you take this sorrow take this grief take this anger take this pain and learn from the feeling of supreme chaos the creation you make from it that wows the world and stops them in their path with its supreme beauty and healing.

Today of all days is a day of grief. This week has been a week of supreme grief and closure. What is grief though? Is grief the loss that drives to sadness and depression? Or is grief something else? Grief has been a prevalent force in my life since before I was born. I was named after a dead person. The reason I am still alive is because a dead person. Hell, the reason I am in College is because a dead person. I was in a car accident in April. For more than a month after I grieved over the loss of self and loss of friendship to the person who was driving. I would find myself crying and it took a while to recover. Today seven months later I closed the last chapter of the ensuing loss of friendship and finally gained closure over what happened. This feeling comes after grief. Grief. Grief kept me alive and nearly tore me apart.

What is anxiety? Well…and bear with me…Wow I feel like I use that phrase a lot…It is that dark shadowy self that will yell and whisper and grab you with the question, “What if?”             “What if by looking at flights you bought one and now you are going to Florence, Italy against your will? What if that bump is cancer? What if that friend of yours hates you? What if you are not worth life? These spiral about until your heart start thumping so hard that you think it is going to explode and your whole body seizes with panic.             I have lost friends because of the fact that when it gets this bad I reach out to ANYONE who will tell me, convince me, or lie to me that it is going to be OKAY. This leads to five texts in a row of “hi’s” and “I need you’s” that would probably freak out any other person that did not have a front row seat to what...