Stumbling Towards Caffeine

There are days when I want to hug the hurt and stop the screaming of the scared and whisper over and over and over again that it is going to be okay you will be okay and things are just really bad right now and you will be wrecked and fall apart and wish some days that you would never wake up but it is going to be okay and one day you will not only be stronger but wiser as you take this sorrow take this grief take this anger take this pain and learn from the feeling of supreme chaos the creation you make from it that wows the world and stops them in their path with its supreme beauty and healing.

Today of all days is a day of grief. This week has been a week of supreme grief and closure. What is grief though? Is grief the loss that drives to sadness and depression? Or is grief something else? Grief has been a prevalent force in my life since before I was born. I was named after a dead person. The reason I am still alive is because a dead person. Hell, the reason I am in College is because a dead person. I was in a car accident in April. For more than a month after I grieved over the loss of self and loss of friendship to the person who was driving. I would find myself crying and it took a while to recover. Today seven months later I closed the last chapter of the ensuing loss of friendship and finally gained closure over what happened. This feeling comes after grief. Grief. Grief kept me alive and nearly tore me apart.

What is anxiety? Well…and bear with me…Wow I feel like I use that phrase a lot…It is that dark shadowy self that will yell and whisper and grab you with the question, “What if?”             “What if by looking at flights you bought one and now you are going to Florence, Italy against your will? What if that bump is cancer? What if that friend of yours hates you? What if you are not worth life? These spiral about until your heart start thumping so hard that you think it is going to explode and your whole body seizes with panic.             I have lost friends because of the fact that when it gets this bad I reach out to ANYONE who will tell me, convince me, or lie to me that it is going to be OKAY. This leads to five texts in a row of “hi’s” and “I need you’s” that would probably freak out any other person that did not have a front row seat to what...

Hey. So those who are close to me know that I have had an interesting run with luck and weird health stuff. One broken toe later and clean bill of health, I have decided to change my major again. Through all of this, the sense of independence has been overwhelmingly obvious. Having to take myself to the Emergency Room by myself is one of the scariest and most adult moments of my life. There is nothing like lying on a hospital bed while getting fluids to make one realize how truly independent they are.       This realization is (pardon my French) fucking scary. This feeling escalates when your phone also dies in the Hospital =_=...During all of this I was having a hard week at my classes. The classes I should love and be enthralled with were not clicking. This led to my mind being so wrapped up in the puzzle of how to love my classes that I almost crash landed and broke my toe while preventing a face plant on concrete. I hopped around trying to ignore the growi...

So there are very few skeletons left so I decided to make a list of things I am happy for. Some of them are food related or animal related but whatever... Florence Italy: Spending 3 months there gave me a gift of self esteem and to cement who I am and to challenge it with every fiber until I was certain. Also Sorbet and Bunny...oh and Art. SO MUCH ART O_O... My family: Sure they are weird and twisty but they are mine and they are AMAZING. Enough said. My pets: Sure one is hyper-thyroid and  the other one is going blind in one eye but they are mine so I am prejudice. They have been there for over half of my life and helped me through a lot of oogie times. My friends: Almost as important as family so just read my family and add allowing me to swear and be myself no matter what. That is all for now but trust me this list is LONG.

            Since I have come back from Florence three things have become apparent. The first is that I now think of myself as pretty that has not happened in almost ten years. The second is that I still have a lot of work to do still on how I view myself and allow others to sway my feeling of worth. The third, and something I will always struggle with is living with fear.             Living with fear is hard. REALLY hard. For instance, I just had a small panic attack at 11pm because I felt afraid of dying due to a small bump. So, being an adult with a level head, I went to my mom, woke her up, and had her reassure me that I was going to be okay. Now reader, this might not be healthy or even sane; but, was the only thing my brain could think of. This is what a crazy person does, or would do if they lived with their mother for a summer before College. ...

--> Dear House,             Here I sit in Florence, hyperventilating and almost at verge of crying. After almost 16 years, I will never see you again and it is starting to slowly tear me apart.             I remember, although vaguely, the first day we met each other. You were old and worn and I remember staring at you overwhelmed with how big you looked to my childlike eyes. I remember going into the backyard and you won me over with a swing set. The next thing I know we are moving to be with you. The first night was hard and your cracks were the most noticeable.             Little by little, we embraced each other and gave each other what we both needed. I helped fill your rooms with laughter and joy and you gave me solace and safety in the times I needed it most. Even when things were at their worst, y...